If youâre dissatisfied with your spouse or your marriage, youâre not alone. As we saw in the last post, itâs not that uncommon. But the big question is, what do you do about it?
In this post, weâll look at what you can do if youâre dissatisfied with your marriage.
ARE YOU DOOMED TO BE DISSATISFIED IN MARRIAGE?
Just because every marriage experiences occasional dissatisfaction doesnât mean youâre doomed to be dissatisfied in marriage.
I once knew a couple who had been married for 74 years. One day, I asked them how they had managed to have such a long and strong marriage. The husband told me, âSon, sometimes when I would get frustrated with her, I had to learn to shut my mouth and go for a long walk.â His wife started laughing, and said, âHe wasnât the only one who had to go for a long walk!â
Despite times of dissatisfaction, this couple had a wonderful marriage of 74 years. So, even though you may experience some dissatisfaction from time to time, know that you can still have a great and lasting marriage.
WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOUR DISSATISFIED WITH YOUR MARRIAGE?
Being dissatisfied in your marriage doesnât necessarily mean you have a bad marriage, but it does mean you have some changes to make. You may think your spouse is the source of your dissatisfaction, but a lot of your dissatisfaction has as much to do with you as it does with your spouse.
So if you want to turn your dissatisfaction around, you (not your spouse) need to start making some changes. Here are a few things you can do:
Stop Comparing Your Marriage to Others.
Itâs easy to be envious of other marriages that seem to have it all together. When you see them out to dinner, at church, or on social media, they look happy and seem to have a great marriage. But you would probably be surprised if you could see behind the scenes. No couple is perfect, and every couple has their own struggles.
I am not saying there arenât couples out there who have great marriages. There are. But their marriage is great because they have learned what works for them. And what works for them wonât necessarily work for you and your spouse.
So stop comparing your marriage to other marriages that look great, and instead, start making your marriage great.
Curb Your Expectations.
We all have expectations about how we think our spouse and marriage should be. Expectations are a part of being human.
But too often, our expectations are unrealistic. Just as you would be hurt and frustrated if your spouse held you to their expectations of the perfect spouse, so will they feel hurt and frustrated if you do the same.
So learn to curb your unrealistic expectations.
Give Your Spouse the Benefit of the Doubt.
Your spouse didnât marry you so they could make you miserable. That was not their intention when they uttered their wedding vows, and it is probably not their intention now.
Itâs easy to get our feelings hurt and then to take everything personally. But most of the things you take personally, have little to do with you, and more to do with your spouse.
So assume that your spouse loves you, that they didnât mean it in the way you heard it, and that theyâre not just trying to get your goat.
If it continues to bother you, kindly ask them about it, but otherwise, give your spouse what you would wantâŠthe benefit of the doubt.
Stop Seeing Differences As a Threat.
We talked about this in the last post. When weâre dating, we believe weâre attracted to our partner by all we have in common. But in reality, itâs our differences that attract us.
Those differences seem novel at the time. But, after the âI doâs,â those differences start to lose their appeal. Rather than attracting us, those differences begin to aggravate us. They get under our skin, and we start seeing the differences as flaws in our spouse that we need to correct. (By the wayâŠtrying to correct your spouseâs âflawsâ wonât win you any points. Trust me!)
The differences between you and your spouse are not there to aggravate you. They are there to grow you. Those differences are there to help strengthen your weak areas and to compliment the things you lack. Those differences are also there to teach you how to be humble and gracious. In reality, your spouseâs differences are a gift, rather than a threat. The more you can see this, the less dissatisfied youâll be.
Change Your Focus.
Many of us are better at pointing out whatâs wrong than celebrating whatâs right. Itâs easier to focus on what we donât like about our spouse and our marriage, than on whatâs good about our spouse and our marriage. This can be caustic.
Whatever you focus on tends to set your attitude and approach to things. So if you focus on that with which youâre dissatisfied, you wind up fueling your dissatisfaction and killing your gratitude.
Philippians 4:8 encourages us to focus on whatâs good and right and commendable. If you learn to do this in marriage, youâll be surprised at the difference it will make.
Show More Appreciation than Disappointment.
If youâre experiencing dissatisfaction in your marriage, you probably feel under-appreciated. But Iâm betting your spouse feels the same way.
It is so easy to stop showing appreciation to your spouse and to start taking them for grantedâŠleaving them starved for appreciation. How do you know if your spouse needs appreciation? If theyâre breathing, they need appreciation.
Appreciation is the one gift that costs you nothing to give and produces tremendous benefits when you do. Be lavish in showing your spouse appreciationâŠeven for the small things.
IN THE ENDâŠ
Will doing these things make every day of marriage as happy as a broadway musical number? Nope! But doing these things will make you more aware and grateful for the great things about your spouse and your marriage. And as your gratitude increases your dissatisfaction decreases.
So, laugh in the face of your dissatisfaction and get to work!